| Staring at the flat green ultrasound screen, all I | | | | 5)Plant a flower garden or tree in your child's |
| could think was, it isn't possible. I was so careful | | | | name. |
| to eat right, stay healthy, do everything I could. | | | | 6)Write a letter to your child. This can be |
| My obstetrician brought in two other doctors to | | | | particularly healing and you can also gain closure to |
| confirm the ultrasound. I had lost my baby in | | | | your grief by doing this. You can tell your child |
| utero at 29 weeks. It still seemed like a bad | | | | how much you love him or her and other hopes |
| dream when I had to make that horrible phone | | | | and thoughts you think they would want to know. |
| call to my husband and tell him to come to the | | | | You can include this letter in a keepsake box or |
| hospital. We had planned this pregnancy, found out | | | | keep it in a special place to look at when you |
| it was a girl, and named her. We had talked about | | | | need to. |
| how we were going to raise her and love her and | | | | 7)Celebrate their birthday. Their is nothing wrong |
| teach her all sorts of things. We had been in | | | | with celebrating the short life they did have. It |
| excited anticipation of her future the entire | | | | doesn't matter if you lost your child at 16 weeks |
| pregnancy. And now, I had the task of telling my | | | | in utero or shortly after a full term delivery. They |
| husband she was gone. | | | | are your child and you can celebrate their birthday |
| Our doctor sent us home for the night to get | | | | each year. Give a gift to another child, or visit |
| some rest (if we could) before labor was induced | | | | their grave with flowers. My husband and like to |
| the next day for delivery. My husband and I | | | | set aside her birthday each year for |
| couldn't go home. We stopped by quickly and | | | | remembrance. You can also celebrate their |
| gathered some clothes and headed to his parents | | | | birthday each year by doing a kind act for |
| house 30 minutes away. We didn't want to be | | | | someone. |
| alone that night. | | | | 8)Cry. Let it out as much as possible when you |
| After I delivered our daughter, Anne, the next | | | | feel the need. If your alone and you don't want to |
| day, our doctor and the staff let us hold her as | | | | be, call a friend to come over or go see a family |
| long as we needed. She was perfect - just like I | | | | member that has a soft shoulder to lean on. Your |
| knew she always was. A perfect two pound | | | | feelings are 100% real and need expressing. The |
| angel. | | | | more you hold them in the more detrimental it |
| What caused me to lose Anne? My doctor said | | | | can become to your mental and emotional life. |
| the umbilical cord was inserted wrong in my | | | | 9)Turn to your husband or family when dealing |
| placenta and therefore my daughter was not | | | | with your grief. Odds are they are feeling very |
| getting enough nutrition and oxygen. There was | | | | sad too and you can comfort each other in turn. |
| no one to blame. It took me a long time to let | | | | It is especially important to stay as close as |
| myself come to terms with that. I questioned | | | | possible to your husband. This kind of loss can |
| everything in my life right down to the food I ate. | | | | easily tear a relationship apart. Take this loss as a |
| I thought there must be a definitive answer for | | | | que to talk to each other even more, find |
| WHY? Not so. It just happened. | | | | comfort in intimacy, and constantly be checking |
| I was invited to attend a group called SHARE | | | | on the other person daily to see how they are |
| Parents. I was surprised to find out that one in | | | | doing. |
| every five women experiences this kind of loss. | | | | 10) Ignore unwelcome comments. Many people |
| Whether it is a miscarriage or losing a child at | | | | don't know what to say when someone else |
| birth. I also found out that there are numerous | | | | loses a baby and their comments may even |
| ways to deal with, move on, and grow from such | | | | come out sounding harsh or unfeeling.This can be |
| a loss. | | | | especially jolting when they come from family |
| After speaking with a nurse from the delivery unit | | | | members or friends. Most of the time the person |
| of Logan Regional Hospital where I delivered | | | | does not realize what they are saying and actually |
| Anne, I discovered that just twenty five years | | | | means well. Ignore the comment as much as |
| ago society as a whole and the medical field did | | | | possible and change the conversation or you can |
| not address ways to cope with infant loss or | | | | choose to address the comment with a loving |
| miscarriages. They simply removed the baby | | | | tone that lets the other person know how that |
| from the mother's sight as soon as possible and | | | | comment makes you feel. |
| sent her home, almost as if the child had never | | | | I hope that these ten ways to cope with the loss |
| been. This, they thought, was in the mother's | | | | of an infant are helpful. I realize each loss is unique |
| best interest for moving on. However, today | | | | and requires its own route to healing. When I lost |
| women who experience such a loss are cared for | | | | Anne I was forced to discover my own strength. |
| much differently. Medical professionals have now | | | | To either grow that much stronger in my religious |
| recognized the emotional health effects of infant | | | | beliefs or shrink away from them. To grow closer |
| loss on the mother, father, and family involved. | | | | to my husband or drift apart emotionally. |
| Below are several key ways that have helped | | | | A couple of months after my loss I read a book |
| myself and others like me come to terms with | | | | that was given to me by a friend. It's called Gone |
| the loss of an infant or a miscarriage. | | | | Too Soon: The Life and Loss of Infants and |
| 1) Name your child if you haven't already done so. | | | | Unborn Children, by Sherri Wittwer. As I was |
| This will help you and family members feel that he | | | | reading I was struck by a particular passage that |
| or she was truly a part of your family. | | | | said, "To experience the full spectrum of the |
| 2)If possible, hold your child. When my husband | | | | most heart-wrenching emotions in the human |
| and I were able to hold Anne for a couple of | | | | experience and to still emerge triumphant is, |
| hours at the hospital we felt a special peace from | | | | indeed, the miracle." Getting through it is the |
| holding and touching her little fingers and legs and | | | | miracle! As women we are not invincible. With all |
| seeing how she looked like us. | | | | our divine strengths also comes great vulnerability. |
| 3)Take pictures or have someone do that for | | | | However, when we can allow both time and the |
| you. Sometimes grief/loss groups will come and | | | | grieving process to heal us, we can be |
| take pictures of your child for you dressed in a | | | | transformed into our own miracle. Do whatever |
| beautiful white dress or white outfit. These are | | | | helps bring peace to your life. |
| very tasteful and will become keepsake treasures. | | | | It has now been about three and a half years |
| Ask your hospital to contact one of these groups | | | | since I lost Anne. We've since had two beautiful |
| in your area for you to see if this service is | | | | and healthy children. I'd give anything to also have |
| available. You can also take pictures in the hospital | | | | Anne with me, and one day when my children are |
| of you holding your baby or of just his or her little | | | | old enough to understand, I look forward to telling |
| hands or feet to help you always remember | | | | them about the sister they've never met. For |
| what they looked like. | | | | now, I hold on to the memory of her little life |
| 4) Put together a keepsake box of your child. | | | | that was once a part of me, to the belief that |
| This could include a blanket that the baby what | | | | she will always be my daughter, and that |
| bundled in at the hospital, a clip of hair, pictures, a | | | | someday I will see her and hold her in my arms |
| tiny teddy bear, and any other memorabilia you | | | | again. |
| can think of. | | | | |