| Inordinately fond of history as I am, I've decided | | | | it seemed at the time, I was unlikely to prevail. |
| to write about it. Not about my first love--from | | | | People visited me both at the hospital, and later, |
| an historical perspective, I mean--Medieval | | | | during my convalescence at home, in droves. I |
| European History, or my second love, Russian | | | | simply do not know how I could have coped |
| History. Not even about the bloodiest day in | | | | without the support of my family and friends, |
| American History, the Civil War Battle of | | | | both here and in Israel, and in particular, the |
| Antietam, which should have brought the Union | | | | support of friends and people whom I took to be |
| cause close to victory, but, due to | | | | mere acquaintances from my synagogue, Kehilath |
| incomprehensible blundering, ended in a strategic | | | | Jeshurun, in New York, together with its |
| draw, breathing two more years of life, at least, | | | | professional staff of Rabbis and others who |
| into Lee's Army of Northern Virginia. No, the | | | | visited, called, wrote and prayed for me. Cousins |
| history I want to write about is microhistory, i.e., | | | | in Chicago sent out e-mails to their yeshiva friends |
| MY history. Specifically, I wish to analyze, evaluate | | | | to put my Hebrew name on their mi-shebeirach |
| and discuss my recent struggle with cancer, and | | | | (prayer for the sick) list, and my daughter's |
| its meaning and consequences, if such may be | | | | Chabad Rabbi in Buffalo, together with my own |
| found in that experience. | | | | Rabbi in New York, Haskel Lookstein, still pray for |
| The B.C. to which the title refers is Before Cancer | | | | me regularly. I cannot even imagine how anyone |
| (or Before Chemo, if you like) and the A.D. stands | | | | gets through an experience like this alone, yet I |
| for After Deconstruction. Those concepts and | | | | know that people do. Part of the deconstructing |
| their respective meanings will take up the bulk of | | | | experience was the realization, not only of how |
| this essay. | | | | much I meant to people, in a way of which I was |
| But first, the salient facts: on February 28, 2005, | | | | completely unaware, but of how much they |
| just after my family's return from a ski trip in | | | | meant, and still mean, to me. The support of this |
| Lake Tahoe, I woke up at about 2:00 a.m. with an | | | | myriad of people has had a salutary effect on |
| unstoppable case of the hiccups, followed by an | | | | me, in that I try to take friends and family less |
| attack of almost unbearable abdominal pain. An | | | | for granted. |
| ambulance took me to the emergency room at | | | | After much research, both by me, and by friends |
| Lenox Hill Hospital, where the doctors diagnosed a | | | | and family members, I began to interview |
| "perforation or hole in my stomach," perhaps | | | | oncologists, and narrowed the field down to two. |
| caused by an ulcer. They needed to operate | | | | Both reviewed my files and ran tests on me and, |
| immediately in order to save my life, but hoped | | | | to my surprise, and immeasurable relief, advised |
| that the surgery could be done laproscopically, so | | | | me of their strong disagreement with my |
| as to be minimally invasive. As the anesthesia was | | | | surgeon's prognosis. They agreed that, although |
| administered (for which I was deeply grateful), I | | | | my type of cancer was serious and, indeed, |
| could not have known that everything up to that | | | | life-threatening, the surgery, coupled with an |
| point was, for me, B.C. | | | | aggressive treatment of chemotherapy and |
| A day or two later (my memory is still somewhat | | | | radiation gave me good reason to hope for a |
| hazy on the chronology of this period), when I | | | | complete recovery. After deconstruction comes |
| was still heavily drugged, but able to speak and | | | | reconstruction. I underwent the recommended |
| concentrate, I was told what the rest of my | | | | treatments, and, 14 months A.D., am, as far as |
| family already knew: that I had a poorly | | | | my tests can determine, cancer-free. I attended |
| differentiated stomach cancer, known as linitus | | | | my nephew's Bar Mitzvah in Israel this past |
| plastica, a cancer which, oddly enough, is more | | | | January, and have taken my daughter to various |
| common in the young, and most prevalent in | | | | college visits. As to whether I will dance at my |
| Japan. The cancer had been removed, as had my | | | | daughters' weddings, or take the "Grand Tour" of |
| lymph nodes, and the lab testing was underway, | | | | the World with my wife, well, that's very much in |
| with the results to be forthcoming in a few days. | | | | God's hands, on a great many levels. I do not, and |
| Just a few years earlier, my beloved father-in-law | | | | cannot know whether I have beaten this thing, |
| had died of stomach cancer, so I suppose I could | | | | but I do know that if there is more adversity to |
| be forgiven for some lack of optimism at that | | | | come from this disease, that I mean to go down |
| moment. | | | | fighting. |
| My recovery from the surgery (which was not | | | | The difficulty now, lies not only in being vigilant |
| only non-laproscopic, but required, in fact, the | | | | about a return of my disease. That is, of course, |
| removal of every millimeter of my stomach, and | | | | self-evident. The trick is to take from this |
| the attachment of my esophagus directly to my | | | | experience the lessons it has afforded me about |
| intestines) was surprisingly quick and quite | | | | priorities, and to live those lessons. Easier said than |
| satisfactory, but as I was about to be discharged | | | | done. The path of least resistance, of course, |
| from the Hospital, my surgeon informed me that | | | | now that the immediate threat has receded, is to |
| the lab work had confirmed his worst fears: that | | | | go back to old patterns of B.C. thinking, which |
| the cancer had infiltrated my lymph nodes and | | | | focused on making money and engaging in |
| that, although he had removed all of them, the | | | | material pursuits: A nice house, nice car, nice |
| chances of metasticization were great. He | | | | clothes, expensive vacations, etc. My personal |
| informed me that my life expectancy without | | | | relationships, B.C. were certainly important to me, |
| treatment was about three months, and that, | | | | but as much (I am somewhat embarrassed to |
| with aggressive treatment, I might make it for as | | | | say) out of a chronic and childish need to be |
| much as two years (although he had rarely seen | | | | loved, admired and approved of, as out of more |
| that). In so many words, he suggested that I put | | | | altruistic motivations. A.D., I still like nice material |
| my affairs in order and prepare myself | | | | things. If anything, I am now more interested in |
| emotionally for the journey from which there is | | | | nice clothing as, at 165 lbs., (80 lbs. less than my |
| no return (with all due respect to my believing | | | | all-time high) I have the physical attributes to look |
| Christian brethren, even He whom they believe | | | | much better than before in off-the-rack outfits. |
| DID return, stayed only for a short visit). | | | | But I would like to think that my love of things |
| This conversation with my surgeon marked the | | | | material is somewhat more in perspective now. I |
| beginning of my A.D. experience. It is an | | | | approach those desires more in a carpe diem sort |
| experience, I expect, more or less common to | | | | of way, than as goals in and of themselves. As |
| anyone who has been told that he or she has a | | | | for my personal relationships, I try to appreciate |
| fatal disease, and it forces one to contemplate | | | | my family and friends more. I do not always |
| not only death (indeed, for me, that was the | | | | succeed, as my wife, above all, will attest to. |
| easy part), but more importantly, a world and a | | | | Reconstruction, after all, (particularly MY |
| future, in which he or she will have no part. | | | | reconstruction) is very much a "work in progress." |
| Suddenly, and without warning, I found myself | | | | But I keep in touch (e-mail makes that extremely |
| crying. Not about dying. Not about suffering. | | | | easy), and have grown much closer to some |
| Somehow, those things did not seem real, or | | | | people whom I have known for most of my life. I |
| tangible, or even important to me. But rather, | | | | find myself in the synagogue on a daily basis. |
| what I found devastating was the prospect of | | | | Many around me don't understand what they see |
| not being able to visit colleges with my younger | | | | as something of an obsession, but for me, it |
| daughter, as I had done with my older one; of | | | | suffices that I understand; I NEED to have a daily |
| not being able to dance (and, as importantly for | | | | conversation with the Almighty, both to thank him |
| me, to pontificate) at my daughters' weddings; of | | | | for my recovery to date, and to ask for its |
| not being able to attend my nephew's Bar Mitzvah | | | | continuation. Moreover, it is a mechanism for |
| in Israel (then ten months in the future). And | | | | seeking the well-being of my family, my friends, |
| finally, of not being able to visit all those places all | | | | the Jewish People, my Country, the State of |
| over the world which my wife and I had promised | | | | Israel and humankind, all of which have now |
| one another we would get to someday. | | | | seemingly become infinitely more important to |
| All of these considerations are deconstructing, to | | | | me. I don't know of anywhere else where one |
| be sure. The prospects I mentioned were | | | | can hope (or dare) to place so tall an order. |
| daunting to face, but, oddly enough, strangely | | | | I am working hard to rebuild my professional life. |
| liberating at the same time. Everyone...my friends, | | | | My illness and resultant inability (or unwillingness) to |
| family, colleagues and law partners told me not to | | | | focus much on being a lawyer for the better part |
| worry about anything, other than getting well. I | | | | of Year 1, A.D., cost me, and I need to redouble |
| seized onto that and instantly felt freed from the | | | | my efforts just to get back to where I was. I |
| shackles of my career, the need to pursue | | | | mean to do that, and quite a bit more. Luckily, I |
| professional success and earn money (I was, later | | | | have recently joined a firm, in which a number of |
| on, to pay dearly for this extended holiday from | | | | the partners are old friends, supportive, |
| reality). My wife and I, together with my | | | | professional, and understanding. I have no doubt |
| brother-in-law, who had (God bless him) flown in | | | | that I will land on my feet. Also, luckily, I am very |
| from Israel at the drop of a hat and a few close | | | | good (I apologize for the immodesty, but this is |
| friends, had begun some surreal discussions of | | | | truth time) at what I do. My clients, and potential |
| emergency estate planning, including the desirability | | | | clients will be well-served by me, and will be lucky |
| of an immediate sale of our home, the creation of | | | | to have me representing them. |
| various insurance trusts, and the like. My older | | | | So, can cancer actually be good for you? It |
| daughter had been asked to fly home from | | | | seems a flippant, and ultimately, perhaps, a stupid |
| college without being told why. My younger | | | | question. But the answer, I think, is that it can be, |
| daughter, not generally being given to displays of | | | | provided, of course, that it's the kind you can |
| emotion had, I was told, been crying into her | | | | recover from. That's obvious. What is less |
| pillow for several nights straight. My wife put up a | | | | obvious is the beneficial qualities of the lesson or |
| brave front--she is, after all, an Israeli--but was | | | | lessons one can take from such an experience. I |
| plainly devastated. The rest of my family | | | | can attest, of course, only to my own |
| members, my mother, brother, sister, aunt, | | | | experiences. I now celebrate a second "birthday" |
| cousins, together with my family, by marriage, in | | | | on February 28, the dividing line between B.C. and |
| Israel and their respective families, reacted as one | | | | A.D. |
| would expect: with varying degrees of worry, | | | | Even the most fleeting glimpse of the Angel of |
| disbelief and fear. | | | | Death can teach us something about priorities, if |
| In the meantime, I was, mercifully, functioning on | | | | we are observant enough to learn the lesson, and |
| a copious supply of opiates, to deaden the | | | | are wise enough to "walk the walk" on an ongoing |
| post-surgical pain. It worked some benefit on my | | | | basis. May God grant me both the strength and |
| psychic pain, as well, and I was able, through the | | | | the perspective. |
| haze, to become inured to the idea that I was | | | | Warren R. |
| about to embark upon a fight for my life in which, | | | | |