| Pool locker room. Early morning. My buddy Janet | | | | disagreed with Janet and entered into a friendly |
| and I in conversation. | | | | debate about the benefits and disadvantages of |
| Janet says, "... and isn't it great that the | | | | community vs. corporate ownership. But this could |
| community might resume ownership of the | | | | have led me to try to win the argument instead |
| hospital again?" Our privately-owned local hospital | | | | of gain information and understanding. |
| might become a community hospital again. Janet's | | | | Ask a Question |
| question seemed to call for agreement. But not | | | | But in choosing the third approach: to ask a |
| being informed about the issue, I wasn't sure I | | | | question, I exercised openness and curiosity. I |
| could agree. So I asked her, "Would that be a | | | | loved the spaciousness of being open to |
| good thing, do you think? I don't know enough to | | | | whatever Janet had to say. I enjoyed not taking |
| say one way or the other." Janet then gave | | | | and defending a position, not feeling trapped by |
| several reasons why she thought community | | | | Option 1 or Option 2. And what I took away from |
| ownership would be good for patients, the | | | | the locker room that morning was this: I want to |
| community, and the region. I was impressed with | | | | remember to ask more open, honest, generative |
| her understanding of the potential benefits. | | | | questions, whether I agree or disagree with the |
| When I got home, I was still pondering this Ki | | | | speaker. |
| Moment. The control of our nearby regional | | | | That morning with Janet also reminded me, when |
| hospital is a hot topic. Though Janet and I are | | | | I do ask a question, I need to be sure it really is a |
| friends, the conversation might have become a | | | | question not a statement in disguise. Instead of "... |
| debate if I'd had a strong, opposite opinion. But | | | | isn't it great that the community might regain |
| my interest lies not in the topic but in considering | | | | ownership...?" consider: "What do you think about |
| the possible responses to Janet's remark:I could | | | | the hospital reverting back to community |
| have agreed, disagreed, or asked a question. | | | | ownership?" Especially in more sensitive situations, |
| Agree or Disagree? | | | | assumptions tend to close off dialogue and can be |
| Why didn't I just agree? It would have been | | | | disrespectful and even dangerous. |
| easier. I didn't have a strong opinion. Plus, the way | | | | As I practice the art of conversation, I |
| the remark was phrased indicated that my | | | | increasingly appreciate the power of non-directive |
| agreement was taken for granted. This caused | | | | questions to open dialogue, diffuse thorny issues, |
| me to ponder, How often do I agree because it's | | | | and teach us about each other. I find it better not |
| expedient? Even without all the facts, I do | | | | to presume to know what my conversation |
| sometimes. The benefits are numerous--my | | | | partner is thinking, feeling, or hoping. I'd rather |
| friend and I stay in synch; we avoid a lengthier | | | | inquire in a way that allows her to reflect and |
| and perhaps more contentious conversation, and I | | | | answer honestly, rather than feel she has to |
| move on agreeably to the rest of my day. But | | | | agree, hold back, or debate. |
| what are the problems with just agreeing? I don't | | | | How we talk to each other is how we create our |
| learn anything; I lose the opportunity for deeper | | | | relationships, and our workplaces, and our |
| dialogue and understanding of the situation and of | | | | communities. Questions offered from a state of |
| my friend. And I leave an impression of | | | | true inquiry offer a rich and interesting place to |
| agreement where it doesn't exist. | | | | start. What genuine question will you ask |
| Choosing the second possibility, I would have | | | | someone today? |